When Rick Burgess was growing up, his father, Bill Burgess, was also his football coach. But Bill was a mentor on and off the field not only for his own son but for the many young men he coached at both the high school and collegiate level. Though Bill has passed on, his lessons remain timeless and valuable for all men. Today on the show, Rick shares some of his old-school wisdom with us.

Rick is a radio host, a men’s ministry leader, and the author of Men Don’t Run in the Rain: A Son’s Reflections on Life, Faith, and an Iconic Father. In our conversation, he discusses what his dad taught him through football and beyond, including why men don’t run in the rain and why you need to get out of the stands, avoid being stupid, refuse to rest on your laurels, understand the difference between confidence and arrogance, and take full responsibility for your life without making excuses. We also talk about how Rick drew upon his father’s wisdom when tragedy struck his life.

Resources Related to the Podcast

• Bill Burgess
• Sunday Firesides: Quit Acting in Bad Faith
• AoM Podcast #849: Live Life in Crescendo

Connect With Rick Burgess

• The Man Church

Listen to the Podcast! (And don’t forget to leave us a review!)

Listen to the episode on a separate page.

Download this episode.

Subscribe to the podcast in the media player of your choice.

Transcript Coming Soon

This article was originally published on The Art of Manliness.

When my kids were little, I was an involved dad. I changed diapers, did middle-of-the-night feedings, and took the tykes to the doctor.

I wouldn’t say I was inherently drawn to doing these tasks. There wasn’t some paternal urge to nurture our kids when they were newborns and toddlers. I did it because I loved them and Kate, and I didn’t want Kate to carry the entire burden of childcare while also working full-time.

But as my kids have gotten older, into their pre-teen and teenage years, I’ve noticed something interesting happening. I suddenly have an intrinsic impulse to be more involved in my kids’ lives.

I have an instinctual urge to teach them how to do stuff in the adult world.

Here’s an example: A while back, as I was sitting on the couch reading, a thought occurred to me: “I need to help my kids open their own bank accounts.” So I took 14-year-old Gus and 11-year-old Scout to the nearby bank branch and had them talk to the teller about opening a checking account. In the process, I had to teach them about Social Security numbers and had them memorize theirs. I also taught them about debit cards and how to check their balances online.

It turns out that this shift I noticed in my fathering isn’t just anecdotal. In my podcast conversation with anthropologist Anna Machin, she noted that across cultures and throughout history, fathers have had a unique role in preparing their children for life outside the home.

Dad’s Outward Orientation

C.S. Lewis once observed that while a mother fiercely prioritizes the immediate interests of her own family, the father’s role is to consider the family’s connection to the broader community: “The relations of the family to the outer world — what might be called its foreign policy — must depend, in the last resort, upon the man . . . A woman is primarily fighting for her own children and husband against the rest of the world.”

Research backs up Lewis’ observation. Sociologists have consistently found that one of the things that separates moms and dads in how they parent is that dads typically have a more outward-facing orientation. While mothers tend to focus on the intimate, nurturing aspects of home life, fathers think more about their children’s place in the wider world.

Fathers are more likely to encourage risk-taking, independence, and exploration, while mothers are more apt to prioritize safety and caution. For example, fathers are likelier than mothers to push children to engage with strangers. They’re also more likely to nudge kids outside their comfort zones.

This is completely anecdotal, so take it with a grain of salt, but I’ve noticed that when parents use those chest baby carriers, moms typically have their baby facing toward them, while dads often have the baby facing out. That’s how I did it with my kids. A father’s outward orientation shows up in a lot of places.

The outward focus also appears in how dads communicate with their children. Fathers tend to use more complex and varied language, often referring to events and ideas beyond the immediate home environment. This serves as what researchers call a “linguistic bridge” to society, expanding children’s vocabulary and worldly knowledge.

The Younger Years: Father-Child Roughhousing Prepares Kids for the Outside World

Research shows that fathers consistently engage in more physical play than mothers, and roughhousing has a positive impact on children’s development. One key benefit is that it helps kids learn emotional regulation, which is essential for successful social interactions. Through roughhousing, kids learn to read cues indicating when someone has had enough and how to calm down if play becomes too intense. Consequently, children who regularly engage in rough-and-tumble play with their dads tend to be more socially adept with their peers. They’ve learned the unwritten rules of getting along with others: taking turns, recognizing limits, and resolving small conflicts.

The Teenage Era: Dads Build the Scaffolding to Independence

As children grow into teenagers, Dad’s role as a bridge builder to the outside world becomes even more critical.

During adolescence, kids naturally seek greater autonomy and begin facing the challenges of adult life. At the same time, anthropologists like Machin have noted that dads often feel a growing impulse to play a bigger role in their children’s lives. During a child’s adolescent years, a father’s job is to teach their children the skills they’ll need to survive and thrive in the world beyond the bounds of the familial home.

The content of this teaching will vary, depending on the environment the dad is sending their kids out into.

In environments where physical survival is the primary concern — say, where hunger or violence are common threats — fathers focus on teaching their children how to hunt and how to defend themselves.

In societies where economic hardship is the main risk, fathers teach practical skills: how to tend livestock, negotiate prices, or build trade relationships.

In the modern West, where physical and economic survival is generally assured, fathers tend to focus on cultural and social survival — helping kids get into good schools, handle “life admin,” make the right connections, and navigate complex social hierarchies.

This explains the sudden urge I have to teach my pre-teen and teenage kids how to do stuff like open banking accounts. I want them to have the skills necessary to be a functional, independent adult in suburban America. My dad-instinct is kicking in, telling me, “You’ve only got a few years to get these kids ready to head out on their own. Get busy teaching them all the skills they’ll need so they don’t end up living in the driveway in a van!”

The Fatherly Art of Launching Kids

You’ve got the instinct to teach your kids to get ready for the outside world — follow it. But if you’re seeking concrete ways to help build the scaffolding that will support your kids’ transition from dependent childhood to independent adulthood, here are some suggestions:

• Bring them along on errands.
• Have them order their own food at restaurants.
• Let them see you confidently talking with strangers.
• Take them to work with you occasionally.
• Include them in conversations about what is going on at work.
• Have them ask store clerks questions.
• Give them pointers on driving as they prepare to get their driver’s license. 
• Let them help you with your weekend chores and expect them to complete age-appropriate chores of their own.
• Start paying them an allowance.
• Teach them basic maintenance for cars and bikes, like how to change flat tires on both.
• Teach them age-appropriate lessons about personal finance.
• Help them open a savings account at the bank, and encourage them to interact directly with the teller when they do so.
• Have them memorize their Social Security number.
• Have them be the one to call a business to ask a question they have.
• Take them to community activities you’re involved in, like church/community service projects.
• Show them how to file their own tax return when they get their first W-2 job.
• Explain how insurance works the next time you have to renew a policy.
• Have them schedule their own haircut appointments.
• Have them fill out their own applications for camps and sports.
• Get them our book Heading Out On Your Own — it covers lots of other life skills they’ll need in adulthood.

Fatherhood is about gradually launching the next generation into the world, equipped with the tools they need to thrive. This guiding role may be more crucial now than ever, given the complexities of our modern world. There’s a lot kids need to learn to manage in order to successfully live on their own.

Thankfully, nature has given dads the fatherly urge to teach their children how to do stuff. Lean into it, and help your kids become capable, confident, functioning adults.

For more insights into dads’ unique and essential role in childrearing, listen to this episode of the AoM podcast:

This article was originally published on The Art of Manliness.

I’ve been doing this dad thing for almost 15 years now. During that time, I’ve read books and articles about how I can be a better parent.

One parenting framework I’ve found helpful in rearing my kiddos comes from a child development researcher named Diana Baumrind.

Back in the 1960s, Baumrind observed how parents and children interacted in their homes. During her studies, she noticed parents typically resorted to different parenting styles, which could be placed along two dimensions: responsiveness and demandingness.

According to Baumrind, varying mixtures of responsiveness and demandingness resulted in several different parenting-style typologies, each of which was associated with a corresponding outcome in child behavior and well-being.

In today’s article, we’ll unpack what these styles look like and which, according to Baumrind (and subsequent childhood researchers), is the best for kids.

The 4 Parenting Styles

First, some definitions of responsiveness and demandingness:

Responsiveness (based on the level of warmth/supportiveness). This is all about how emotionally responsive and attuned a parent is to their children. A parent high in responsiveness is nurturing, affectionate, and accepting. Low-responsive parents are cold, rejecting, and uninvolved.

Demandingness (based on the level of control/expectations). This is about the extent to which parents set rules and expectations and enforce discipline. High-demand parents set high expectations for their children and consistently enforce those expectations. Low-demanding parents place few expectations on their children and rarely enforce the few rules they establish.

These two dimensions can be visualized on an x/y axis, with responsiveness occupying the x-axis and demandingness forming the y-axis.

Let’s unpack each quadrant:

Authoritarian Parenting (Low Responsiveness/High Demand)

The authoritarian parent is low on responsiveness but high on demandingness. This is the “because-I-said-so” parent who expects immediate obedience without explanation. Rules are non-negotiable, consequences are often harsh, and warmth can be in short supply.

Let’s say a kid throws a tantrum because he doesn’t want to stop playing video games to do his homework.

An authoritarian parent’s response to this situation might sound like: “Stop being lazy and do your homework now! We are not going to discuss this! And if I catch you on your Switch before it’s done, you’ll lose it for a month.”

Kids raised with the authoritarian parenting style are more likely to be socially withdrawn, more likely to be anxious or depressed, and might have behavior issues when they hit adolescence. The authoritarian parenting style doesn’t help children develop an internal locus of control. They don’t learn how to govern themselves because they’ve always had a parent to tell them exactly what to do.

Permissive Parenting (High Responsiveness/Low Demand)

The permissive parent flips the script of the authoritarian parent. They’re high on responsiveness but low on demandingness. This parent is warm and nurturing but sets few rules or expectations for their kids. Rules are always negotiable. They avoid confrontation and often treat their child more like a friend than someone they’re responsible for guiding.

To the child who doesn’t want to stop playing video games to do his homework, the permissive parent would say something like, “You don’t feel like doing homework right now? That’s alright, sweetie. Maybe work on it later, okay?”

As might be expected, kids with permissive parents struggle with self-discipline and impulse control, are more likely to be self-centered, and can have a harder time following rules in school or other structured environments.

The children of permissive parents often get the message that their wants should always be accommodated, which doesn’t prepare them well for the real world, where limits and frustrations are inevitable. They tend to flounder in adolescence and young adulthood.

Neglectful Parenting (Low Responsiveness/Low Demand)

Baumrind initially didn’t include neglectful parenting in her typologies. It was added later by child development researcher Eleanor Maccoby.

The neglectful parent is low on both responsiveness and demandingness. This parent offers their kids neither guidance and structure nor emotional support and nurturing. In extreme cases, the neglectful parent may fail to even meet their children’s basic needs.

A neglectful parent doesn’t care if their kid plays video games or does homework. If their child is having a hard time in school, the parent doesn’t even bat an eye. They’re just completely zoned out when it comes to caring for their children.

Not surprisingly, kids raised with this style tend to fare worst of all. Research shows that children who grow up with neglectful parents often develop attachment issues, are at higher risk for behavioral problems, and are more likely to engage in delinquent behavior.

Authoritative Parenting (High Responsiveness/High Demand)

The authoritative parent is high on both responsiveness and demandingness. And according to Baumrind, it’s the parenting style that provides the most benefits to kids.

Authoritative parents blend warmth and firmness. They set clear expectations for their children but explain the reasoning behind them. They’ll consistently enforce the rules, but not rigidly. They’re also warm and responsive to their children’s needs while still expecting an age-appropriate level of maturity from them.

In the video game/homework scenario, the authoritative parent would neither give in and let the kid keep playing video games, nor offer a harsh, “Get off now because I said so!” edict. Instead, they would approach their child with something like, “You know the rules. No video games before homework is finished. If you finish your homework now, you can get back to your Fortnite match. If you need some help with your homework, I’m happy to help.”

Kids raised by authoritative parents tend to have the best outcomes. According to Baumrind and subsequent child development researchers, kids raised with authoritative parents have better emotional regulation, perform better academically, become more self-reliant, and have a higher sense of agency than kids reared with other parenting styles.

Parenting Styles Aren’t Boxes — They’re a Flexible Framework

Like a lot of advice based on psychological research, there’s a tendency to treat parenting styles as rigid categories — as if being the “best” parent means consistently maintaining authoritative mode at all times.

The reality is that parents naturally shift between different styles depending on the situation and their kids’ needs.

If your 5-year-old is about to bolt into traffic, a stern, authoritarian “STOP RIGHT NOW!” works better than a warm, reasoned, authoritative explanation about road safety.

Some kids thrive with more nurturing and fewer demands, while others need firmer boundaries. Even the same child needs different approaches through various developmental stages.

The best parents aren’t parenting-style purists. Instead, they’re the ones who can read their child in the moment and respond effectively, even if that means changing their typical parenting approach.

In my 15 years as a dad, I’ve used authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive parenting styles at different times (I don’t think I’ve ever been neglectful). I’ve had my days when I perfectly balance warmth with clear, firm expectations; I’ve also had days when stress and my kids’ petulance pushed me into authoritarian drill sergeant mode.

While I’m not a perfect dad, having the parenting style framework in the back of my mind as I interact with my kids has helped me aim for the authoritative ideal, while adjusting my approach to family life’s ever-changing dynamics.

This article was originally published on The Art of Manliness.

Note: The following is an excerpt from The Building of Boyhood: A Manual for Parents, published in 1933.

“Some Reasons Why Some Men Are Successful Fathers”

By Frank H. Cheley

They Believe that being a father is the greatest privilege given any man, and so take their fatherhood seriously.

They Believe that all boys are mostly good, but realize they often get bad handling — especially by fathers.

They Are Convinced that it is worth while to study boy-behavior, as well as the stock market, the baseball score, or the trend of politics. They have become convinced that they need such study in their business of being fathers.

In Addition to Providing their families well with the creature comforts, they give them generously of themselves also — often at great personal inconvenience and cost of time and money, but always counting such cost as among their very best investments.

They Strive Always to Make the Right Thing pleasurable and the wrong thing costly, and thereby teach their boys that character is not only desirable, but that it also pays.

They Have Conceived the Idea that, in addition to being comrades with their boys, they must also serve as instructors, interpreters, and guides — even when they find it a life-sized job.

They Never Try to Bluff their boys — they know it is useless, for as boys themselves they were always shrewd detectors of all hypocrisy, and despised it.

They Recognize that even boys have rights and that they should be respected by elders. For this consideration, the boys are always most grateful.

The Realize Fully That No One, no matter how good his intentions, can satisfactorily interpret the Fatherhood of God to boys as a good father, or make plain to them the real message of their Elder Brother, the Man of Galilee, and so set their best selves to the challenging task of religious education.

They Always Try to see the funny side of every situation, and know that their sense of humor saves many a needless tragedy — for the boy himself — and for his mother.

They Graciously Recognize, nevertheless, the fact that Mother can accomplish certain things with the boys that they cannot — so consistently refuse to unload their own rightful responsibilities onto her.

They Have a Clear Conception of what they are trying to accomplish with the boys, by way of training, so that every day’s activity is used to good advantage as definite construction material.

They Believe That Directed Fun is the most effective antidote for evil thoughts and temptations, so help the boys to keep everlastingly busy and happy at something all the time.

They Are Wise Enough to Know That a Few Tools and a place to work are more of a home attraction than temporary rewards, and more desirable than going to the circus or the movies.

They Are Profoundly Impressed with their duty to the boys as well as their responsibility to society, and, as good citizens, try to earnestly discharge both obligations.

They Abhor Weakness in any form whatsoever and refuse to excuse it. “Victory is to the strong,” is their slogan, whether referring to mental, physical, spiritual, or social life and activity.

They Count It Their Sacred Privilege to give the boys, step by step, the intimate information that they need. Best of all, they themselves practice physical fitness and have no patience with a double standard of morals for anyone.

They Recognize, too, the fact that a boy’s books are his “Silent Comrades,” and so take as much pains in seeing that they are as carefully chosen as are their new clothes, that they fit as well, wear as well, and make the boys as self-respecting.

They Are Real Sports, these fathers, and play the old “Game of Life” for all that is in them, but always according to the rules that every boy understands as “being square.”

They Believe in Team Games as an educator in sportsmanship and social living, and insist that the bleachers are rarely the place for real boys, but rather “Every Boy in the Game” is their watchword.

They Are Friendly With Everybody, rich and poor alike. All the boys and dogs in the neighborhood know them and like to hang around them. Boys often want them for “umps” and to be “IT,” because they have confidence in them and enjoy them.

Their Instructions are always of the positive sort — and backed up by personal demonstration too. They despise “Don’ts,” while “nagging” is strictly against their principles. “Let’s do ‘so and so’” is magic medicine.

They Are Invariably Interested in Dogs and chickens and stamps and stars and electricity. They believe that a boy without a hobby is likely to be no boy at all, and that the making of collections is one of the chief joys of being a boy.

They Believe It Is Worth While to know how to build a campfire, and to cook an appetizing meal over the glowing embers, but when it comes to roasting corn or making flapjacks they endeavor to be “real prize winners.”

They Believe in Boy Gangs and, instead of forbidding their sons the privilege of such experience, they keep themselves worthy to be elected honorary members of the bunch, rewarded with the “password,” the “secret grip,” and even the “whistle.”

They Believe That Cleanliness is next to godliness, and practice it consistently themselves — inside and out, to their mutual benefit.

They Abhor Cheap and Vulgar Things, but keenly appreciate harmony wherever they find it; in tone, in movement, line, or color, and in so far as possible, surround their boys with the best of such influences.

They Study to be Good Listeners and are always given to generous appreciation of real merit in whatever realm it presents itself, whether it be in batting up flies, making good examination grades, the winning of a debate, or the exhibition of real character.

They Maintain a Live Acquaintance with “birds and bugs and things,” and love nothing better than to introduce their boys to such simple secrets of Old Dame Nature as they themselves know, and, through such an acquaintance, lead them on to a finer, larger appreciation of God.

They Constantly Remind Themselves that their sons came, honestly enough, by certain “peculiar traits of character,” which they occasionally exhibit, and endeavor to crowd these traits out by strong cultivation of the more desirable ones, rather than the usual process of “repression.”

They Are Convinced That Vital Character is as contagious as the measles, and never lose an opportunity to “expose” the boys, or themselves, to it.

They Do Not Blame the Boys for falling in love with the girls. They did it themselves once, and are convinced that comradeship with the right sort of girls, under reasonable supervision, is the greatest tonic in the world to right living.

They Do Not Compel Respect of their boys, but rather strive to be eminently worthy of it. Consequently, it never occurs to such boys to even think of their father as “the old man,” or “the old gent,” or “the governor.”

They Believe that boys must actually both earn and spend money in order to learn practical thrift; so take pains to provide them with ample opportunity for both, not forgetting to have them give, too, in keeping with their means.

Their Supply of Stories Is Endless. They seek them like precious jewels, with discrimination, of course; but keep them forever their own by often giving them away to their boy friends.

They Understand Perfectly that a broken will is a greater misfortune than a crippled body to a boy, and that directed will is the greatest of all boy possessions, making possible the only real success, so guide instead of drive.

They Believe That the Practice of brutal thrashing belongs to the savage past; that reason and self-control, if started early and followed consistently, are much more efficacious in producing quality boyhood.

They Believe that it is a far greater thing for a boy to make a life than to make a living, and that what a boy is, is after all his only just claim to greatness — and train accordingly.

They Would Rather Be Known any time as a successful father than as a successful business or professional man, because to be so known is to be measured by much the larger “measuring stick.”

These Are but a Few of the Reasons why many boys, grown tall and straight and true, declare that they wish to be men “just like their dear old dads.”

Is Not That Better by Far than having a whole column in “Who’s Who in America,” a cigar named after you, or even a statue erected to your memory in the City Park?

Such Men Are Real Fathers, true to themselves, true to their son, true to their country and their God.

Are You Such a Man?

The Boys Know!

This article was originally published on The Art of Manliness.

One of my favorite pictures — me, Rick, and Gus fishing in Vermont.

When your kid marries, you not only gain another family member, you gain a new role: father-in-law.

It’s not a role that gets much celebration or attention. If we culturally mention in-laws at all, it tends to be in terms of unwanted meddling.

But a father-in-law can play a positive, supportive role in the life of his son- or daughter-in-law, which enriches their connected families.

I’ve had a great example of this in my own father-in-law, Kate’s dad, Rick Surwilo.

Here are some things I’ve picked up from him in the twenty years we’ve had a father-in-law/son-in-law relationship that I hope to carry forward when I become a FIL someday.

Be an Ally, Not an Adversary

When I asked a friend who recently became a father-in-law what he thinks makes for a good one, the first thing he told me was, “Drop that ‘you’re taking my kid away, and I’m polishing my shotgun sh*t. It’s dumb. D-U-M-B. Dumb. You should see this person as an ally.”

While the trope my friend mentioned is typically focused on the dads of daughters, it’s also applicable to the fathers of boys. Instead of seeing your child’s spouse as a rival or threat, consider them an ally in nurturing your family’s growth and legacy. This perspective shift can dramatically improve your relationship with your child’s husband or wife and contribute to a healthy family dynamic.

I felt nothing but welcome in Kate’s family. I never felt like I was an outsider or intruder. I still remember when I asked Rick for Kate’s hand in marriage; he didn’t make me feel like I was some dubious dude trying to steal his dear daughter away by giving me the third degree. Instead, he warmly made me feel like I was becoming a part of his family.

Offer Wisdom (When Solicited)

What’s nice about getting married is that you gain an additional set of parents from which to get counsel. Even though your child and their spouse are all grown up, they’ll still face times when they’re unsure of what to do and are in need of some guidance. You likely possess knowledge on various aspects of life – from financial management to household maintenance to raising kids — that your son- or daughter-in-law may sometimes want to draw upon.

The key to sharing this wisdom is to only do so when asked. Don’t offer unsolicited advice! Your kid and their spouse have to live their own lives.

And when your advice is asked for, be judicious with it. Don’t tell your child and their spouse that they have to do things a certain way. Just offer your insights and then let them make their own decisions. The goal is to be helpful, not overbearing.

Respect Boundaries

Relatedly, while a good father-in-law is involved with his adult child’s family in a healthy way, he also respects their boundaries and autonomy. Don’t be too enmeshed in their lives. You’ve got to let your kid go and let them live their own life. Allow the couple to establish their own traditions and household dynamics without interfering. I’ve appreciated the way Rick has been supportive of our family without ever being intrusive.

Forge Your Own Bond With Your Child-In-Law

One often overlooked aspect of being a father-in-law is the opportunity to build a unique relationship with your daughter-in-law and especially your son-in-law. Your connection with them doesn’t have to be exclusively mediated through your child. Take initiative in fostering an independent relationship. Suggest activities you can do together – trying out a new restaurant, attending a sporting event, or sharing a hobby.

Over the years, Rick and I have gone to sporting events and restaurants where it’s just me, him, and my brother-in-law. I enjoy chatting with him even when Kate’s not around. We’ve developed our own friendship.

Lend a Helping Hand

One thing I appreciate about Rick is how he’s willing to help me with DIY home maintenance stuff around the house. The guy is super handy! Whenever I’ve had an issue with my home, I go to Rick first since he usually knows how to fix it or who I need to call to fix it. He’s fixed blinds, done paint jobs, and even helped me organize my garage.

Rick picked up the tradition of helping his sons-in-law with home maintenance from his own father-in-law, Kate’s grandfather, George Novak. George would help Rick with jobs around the house when he was newly married. He appreciated it and wanted to do the same for his sons-in-law. He not only enjoys helping out, he likes that it keeps him spry.

I’ve learned a lot from Rick and really appreciate the help. Now I just need to get handier around the house so I can do the same for my future children-in-law. I sometimes wonder if Rick-level handiness will die out with my generation; I hope not.

Be Involved With Your Grandchildren’s Lives

If and when grandchildren enter the picture, be the best darned grandpa you can be.

Rick and my mother-in-law, Sandy, have been deeply engaged in their grandchildren’s lives since the time they entered the world. We actually live in the same neighborhood as them, and Gus and Scout go over their house every day after school to have a snack and watch Jeopardy. Gus will sometimes walk over on a Saturday to watch a football game with Rick, and they’ve built birdhouses and model airplanes together. Sandy and Rick come to our kids’ sports games and have even taken Gus and Scout on trips with them. And while grandmothers are often more at the interactive forefront with their grandkids, while grandfathers reticently retreat to the background, Rick is just as likely to get in the mix and spearhead the fun. It’s been really touching to see how over the moon he is about our kids.

Because of dispositional differences, not every father-in-law is going to desire to have the same level of interactions with his grandkids, but strive to be as involved as you’re comfortable with.

Instead of thinking that becoming a father-in-law means you’re losing a child, think of it as gaining a new family member. That stance towards the relationship and some of the actionable advice above will help you smoothly step into what can be a richly rewarding role.

This article was originally published on The Art of Manliness.

As compared to mothers, fathers are sometimes thought of as a secondary, almost superfluous, parent.

But my guest says that fathers actually saved the human race, and continue to do so today.

Anna Machin is an evolutionary anthropologist, a pioneer of fatherhood science, and the author of The Life of Dad. Today on the show, we talk about the role of fathers in human history and how their main role continues to be teaching kids the skills they need to take risks, become independent, and navigate the world beyond their family. We also talk about the physiological changes that happen when a man becomes a father and how dads are just as biologically primed as mothers to parent. In the second half of our conversation, we talk about the experience of being a dad. Anna shares how long it typically takes a man to bond with a baby and transition into the role of fatherhood, how roughhousing is key in building that bond as well as developing your child’s resilience, and how your personality and background will affect your parenting. We end our conversation with the difference in how the relationship between Mom and Dad affects how they parent, and the implications of that for building a strong family.

Resources Related to the Podcast

• AoM Article: The Importance of Fathers (According to Science)
• AoM Article: A Man’s Guide to Pregnancy — Getting Ready for the Baby Bomb
• AoM Article: A Man’s Guide to Pregnancy — Your Progeny Enters the World
• AoM Article: New Dad Survival Guide — The Mindset
• AoM Article: New Dad Survival Guide — The Skillset
• AoM Podcast #119: Why Fathers Matter 
• AoM Article: You Don’t Have to Be Your Dad — How to Become Your Family’s Transitional Character

Connect With Anna Machin

• Anna’s website
• Anna on X
• Anna on IG

Listen to the Podcast! (And don’t forget to leave us a review!)

Listen to the episode on a separate page.

Download this episode.

Subscribe to the podcast in the media player of your choice.

Transcript Coming Soon

This article was originally published on The Art of Manliness.

Everyone has the general sense that people these days get out of the house and do less face-to-face socializing than they used to. The Atlantic’s Derek Thompson recently dove into the data available from the American Time Use Survey to figure out just how large this decline has been.

The answer? Very, very large.

American men are doing a third less face-to-face socializing than they did twenty years ago.

The drop amongst American teenagers is even more staggering: the amount of in-person socializing teens engage in has fallen by almost half since 2003.

Think about that for a second: today’s teenagers get together half as much as they did two decades ago. 

Today’s teens are not only less likely to leave the house to see friends but to do other things like work, date, or play sports, too.

When it comes to the consequences of this trendline for young adults, the discussion typically centers on a rise in loneliness, anxiety, and depression.

But there’s another consequence that may be part of this fallout: fewer young men stepping into independent manhood.

Since the most primitive age of human history, it’s been observed that males seem to have greater difficulty maturing into adulthood than females. Various theories have been put forth as to why this may be so, from the biological (females receive a more significant signal of maturation in the form of the onset of menstruation) to the psychological (boys must not only differentiate themselves physically, but also in terms of identity, from the female body — the maternal womb — of which they were once a part). 

Whatever the cause, boys have typically been given a greater outward nudge towards embracing mature roles and responsibilities. Traditionally, this nudge took the form of rites of passage — a practice common in every age and across every culture in the world.  

From time immemorial, boys have felt the tension between two impulses: One, the desire to stay in the safety and comfort of the domestic sphere, taken care of by their mother and free from difficult and dangerous responsibilities; the other, the desire to take risks, to explore, to win honor, to adventure — to take a place in the world of men. 

The rite of passage, dictated by their community, compelled young men to overcome the inertia of the first impulse to embrace the second.

Today, rites of passage — going to college, traveling the world, participating in a mission trip — are still possible, but the decision to undertake one, rather than being subject to communal forces of shame and honor, is voluntary and individualistic. 

This has been the case for a very long time now. 

But the ratio between the gravitational pull toward one’s childhood orbit and the attraction to the world beyond its borders has never been more lopsided. 

The time teens spend leaving the house and getting together with others really started to dip after 2010, when smartphones began to proliferate. Technology has provided everyone with a simulacrum of the kind of entertainment, conversation, and exploration that formerly could only be accessed by venturing into the outside world. There’s less incentive to leave the house and more enticement to stay at home.

When I graduated from high school, I couldn’t wait to go to college and get out on my own. Anecdotally, the young men I know now are less enthusiastic about this transition. And this hesitancy about striking out on their own could have a big impact on their maturation — on their ability to develop the qualities that make for an autonomous, self-reliant, happy adulthood. 

In staying within the domestic sphere, the childhood orbit, you’re more protected from the judgments, the risks, the slings and arrows of the wider world — the things that catalyze growth, build strength, and develop character. When you conduct all your communication through a digital device, you can carefully script everything you say instead of engaging in the dangerous dance of improvisation. When your parents are always close by to back you up, you’re never forced to figure things out on your own. The less experience you have in being independent, the less capable you become of escaping a life of dependence — a life that’s small, sequestered, and anxious. 

Get Your Son Out of His Bedroom

In reading about the statistics of how much less time young adults are engaging in face-to-face activities and thinking about the effects that may grow out of this cultural sea change, something Jon Tyson talked about in our podcast about “The 5 Shifts of Manhood” kept coming back to me.

When I asked Jon how to help boys step into mature manhood, one of the things he said was:

“You gotta get your son out of his room. You gotta get him out of his room.”

If boys are ever going to live a flourishing, ambitious, adventurous life — a life where they feel comfortable taking risks, relish being independent, and are able to focus less on themselves and genuinely care for others — then they have to be exposed to the energy of ambition, to the excitement of adventure, to the thrill of risks, to the satisfaction of self-efficacy, and to the challenges and joys of other people!

Everyone relishes experiences that happen in the real world more than those that are mediated through a screen; they just have to be given as many opportunities as possible to register and absorb this qualitative difference. 

As a dad (or other male mentor), you’re uniquely suited for the task of increasing the force that attracts a young man to venturing into the outside world. Since ancient times, it’s been recognized that mothers, on average, are more protective and have a harder time letting go of their sons than fathers do. A mother feels a dual impulse with her son; she wants to see him become independent and honorable, but she also wants to keep him close, as a child’s gain in independence simultaneously results in a loss of her maternal identity. Fathers feel a less conflicted pride in their sons growing up. This difference was actually best expressed in one of the greatest advertising campaigns of all time.

All traditional rites of passage included some kind of literal and ritualistic separation of a boy from his mother, as the father took on a greater role in helping him become a man.

Dads today should take an active role in helping expose their sons to the wider world. Invite your son into a bigger life. Take him along on work assignments if possible. Take him to do a service project with you. Take him on fun father/son activities — fishing, camping, going to a ball game. Encourage him to participate in activities that challenge him and get him outside the house, like sports. 

Both Mom and Dad can utilize family vacations as opportunities not only for rest and relaxation, but to broaden their kids’ horizons (daughters need this stuff too, of course). Show your children how big, beautiful, and interesting the world is. While on a trip, try new activities — hiking, skiing, surfing, rock climbing, etc. — that build skill, competence, and a general comfort with being uncomfortable. 

And, while it’s truly weird we’ve arrived in a cultural place where this is needed, parents should encourage their kids to hang out with their friends. If they’re debating whether to stay home or meet up with friends, or deciding whether to skip or attend a school dance, nudge them to go out. It’s normal to worry about the influence of their peers, and you may selfishly want them to hang out with you, but boys need the experience of gallivanting with a gang of buddies. They need to experience the joy of operating independently, outside the orbit of parental supervision. 

Hopefully, the more that boys get a taste of the excitements and satisfactions that can only be found beyond their bedroom walls, the more they’ll feel that an autonomous adulthood, where further such excitements and satisfactions can be had, is something worth striving for. 

For more advice on helping boys move into manhood, listen to our podcast with Jon Tyson:

This article was originally published on The Art of Manliness.

If you’re the dad of an elementary-aged kid, you’ll know that parent-teacher conferences are held a couple of times a year.

Perhaps because of their feeling of routine-ness, parents often kind of sleepwalk through these meetings. If they have a concern, they don’t think beforehand about how to bring it up productively. Or they simply don’t consider what they’d like to talk about until they’re stepping into the classroom, and when the teacher asks, “Do you have any questions for me?” they draw a blank.

I know I’ve typically approached conferences this way, and I’ve wondered what I could be doing to make more of these opportunities to meet with my children’s teachers. To get some tips on this front, I talked to Elle Fowler, an elementary school teacher here in Tulsa. Here’s what she shared.

Why You Should Attend Parent-Teacher Conferences

If you’re a dad with a busy work schedule, it may be tempting to relegate the responsibility of attending parent-teacher conferences to Mom. But you should try to be there whenever possible. 

Elle says the majority of fathers come to PTCs, even when the parents are divorced, and this number has seemed to increase over her 14-year career as dads have gotten more engaged with parenting generally. This is great news, as kids whose fathers are involved in their education do better in school than kids whose dads aren’t. This seems to be particularly true when it comes to the dads of daughters; girls whose fathers are involved with their education thrive more academically while feeling less anxiety about school.

As a dad who’s attended all his kids’ parent-teacher conferences, I’ve found them beneficial in parenting my children. Kids are at school seven hours a day, and what they get up to is kind of a black box. Children show a different side of themselves in the classroom, and a PTC can illuminate what that side is like. These meetings can highlight strengths you never noticed your kid had, deepening your appreciation for them. Or they can disclose a struggle you didn’t fully recognize because you see your kid through the tinted glasses of parental love. Either way, a parent-teacher conference can give you a third-party perspective that can help you get to know your child better and understand what they need to reach their potential. 

General Etiquette for Parent-Teacher Conferences

Be punctual. Respect the teacher’s and other parents’ time by arriving punctually to the conference and leaving on schedule. PTCs are typically scheduled in back-to-back blocks, and if you go over time, then the next conference will start and end late, as will the next. Don’t start a pile-up. If you need more time to talk, schedule a follow-up discussion for another day.

Dress nicely. Dress up a bit when attending a parent-teacher conference. It shows you respect education as a serious endeavor and teaching as a serious profession. You don’t have to wear a suit, but something in the smart-casual category like an Oxford and khakis works. My kids’ school has continued to offer the option of virtual conferences post-pandemic, and I don’t dress as nicely when the PTC takes place over Zoom, but I still try to not look like a slob.

Prepping for Parent-Teacher Conferences

Proper preparation is key to making the most of your parent-teacher conferences. By taking the time to gather relevant information and formulate thoughtful questions, you can ensure that the meeting is productive and addresses your concerns effectively. Here are some steps you can take to prepare for your upcoming conference:

Review your child’s academic work. Before the conference, review your child’s recent assignments, grades, and any feedback on that work the teacher provided. Take note of any areas where your child may be either struggling or excelling. If you have concerns about a specific assignment, write down what the assignment was and the score on it. “If you’re working with a teacher who sees 60+ students, they probably won’t know exactly what assignment you mean when you say something vague like ‘My kid got a bad grade on that test a few weeks ago.’ The more specific, the better,” Elle told me.

Talk with your child. Talk to your child about their experiences in school. If you’re going to a regular check-in conference, Elle recommends asking your kid the following questions:

• What’s something that’s going well at school that I can celebrate with your teacher? 
• Is there anything going on at school that your teacher and I can work on a plan to help you with?

If you’re going in for a conference that’s being scheduled because there is a problem, ask your child how they’re seeing the issue. “Sometimes as parents, we see a problem and think, ‘Oh my gosh, this is a huge problem!’ but the child is not as affected by it,” Elle said. “So that gives us a kind of a recalibration for where we might want to go into that meeting and what our goals might be.”

Also, ask your child what they would change to resolve the problem. They might need to sit somewhere else in class so they’re not distracted as much, or maybe they need to work with another student more often. The more you can nudge your child to develop a solution, the more ownership they’ll feel for it and the more buy-in you’ll get.

Questions to Ask in a Parent-Teacher Conference

After doing a quick review of your kid’s academic work and talking to your child, take some time to develop some questions you want to bring up during your conference with their teacher. Elle recommends asking questions in three categories: academic progress, learning skills, and social-emotional development:

Academic Progress

• Where is my child excelling?
• What are the specific areas where my child may be struggling, and how can we support their improvement?
• Are there any resources or strategies you recommend for helping my child succeed in a subject?

Learning Skills

• Is my child turning things in on time? 
• Do they stay organized?
• When you get assignments, does it look like their best work? 
• When they’ve made a mistake on an assignment, do they revisit those mistakes? 

Social-Emotional Development

• How does my child interact with their peers?
• Does my child have friends?
• Are there any social or emotional challenges my child is facing?
• How does my child handle frustration or setbacks?
• Are there any opportunities for my child to develop their social skills further?

One thing Elle noted on questions about social-emotional development is that if you have questions or concerns about your child being bullied or the like, privacy regulations in many public schools prevent teachers from sharing information about children that aren’t your own.

“As a parent, you can share names and details, and those names and details are really, really helpful for teachers and for principals and administration to hear if you’re reporting things that have happened,” Elle said. “But teachers and administration cannot report back to you what’s happened to that other child. As a teacher, I can say, ‘Our handbook has consequences for these events that you’re welcome to read.’ Which is my hands-are-tied-way of saying, ‘The child is receiving consequences, but I can’t tell you about them because it’s a breach of privacy.’ It’s strange and can be frustrating, but it’s the system that some teachers have to work in.”

Lead With Curiosity, Rather Than Blame

If you have a concern about how your kid is doing in school, it can be tempting to come into the conference with guns blazing. But introducing the issue that way only creates defensiveness on both sides of the table and prevents the discussion from being as fruitful as it could be.

Instead, Elle recommends raising your concern using this framework: “I’m concerned about X. Are you concerned about X?”

Sometimes, something you think is a problem, isn’t a problem, and the above framework gives the teacher the chance to explain that what you’re worried about is actually developmentally appropriate, or something your kid has struggled with, but is making sufficient progress in. 

If your concern is also a concern for your child’s teacher, then the above framework allows them to affirm your concern and segue into what they’re currently doing to address it. If the teacher doesn’t explain what’s being done, follow up with “How can we work together to address this issue?”

Remember that you don’t know much about your kid’s school life, so rather than jumping to conclusions or making assumptions, give the teacher the opportunity to fill you in on needed context. At the same time, because the teacher doesn’t know much about your child’s home life, explain that side of things, and how it may be affecting how your kid shows up at school. 

Instead of focusing on blame or fault, approach the conversation with genuine curiosity and a commitment to exchanging information, fostering a collaborative partnership, and finding solutions. Remember that you and your child’s teacher are on the same team!

Follow-Up

The parent-teacher conference is not the end of the conversation; it’s the beginning of an ongoing partnership between you and the teacher. Elle recommends this parent-teacher conference follow-up:

Email the teacher. If a PTC involved a particularly meaty discussion, send a follow-up email to the teacher, thanking them for their time and summarizing the key points discussed during the conference. This email serves as a record of the agreed-upon action plans and ensures that both you and the teacher are on the same page moving forward.

Communicate with your child. Share the outcomes of the conference with your child. Let them know what was discussed, any action plans that were put in place, and how you will be supporting them. Make sure to pass along the positive things their teacher shared with you!

Schedule additional meetings, if needed. If you feel that further discussions or updates are necessary, don’t hesitate to schedule additional meetings with the teacher. Ongoing communication and collaboration are essential for supporting your child’s educational journey.

Parent-teacher conferences are a time to create a collaborative relationship with your child’s teacher. With a bit of prep, you can get the most out of these meetings and get back to work helping your kiddo be awesome. 

This article was originally published on The Art of Manliness.

When discussing the importance of fathers, the conversation often centers around their impact on sons. Which makes sense. Boys will more explicitly model their lives on their fathers’ example of masculinity and are greatly impacted by the male-to-male mentoring they do or don’t receive. 

But fathers also have an enormous impact on their daughters. 

From academic achievement to physical and mental health, fathers play a significant role in shaping their daughters’ lives and futures. 

Let’s take a look at five areas in which this influence works its effect:

1. Sense of Agency

Agency is the capacity to act in the world according to your desires. Agency is what allows us to shape our lives into what we want them to be. In general, men tend to have a higher sense of agency than women and are more assertive and comfortable with conflict.

Why do men have a higher sense of agency? It’s likely a mixture of biology and socialization. Higher testosterone levels in males contribute to agentic behaviors and impulses, like the drive to explore and strive for status. Layered on top of that is the tendency of cultures to socialize men to be more competitive and independent, and to socialize women to be more cooperative and nurturing.

Having a higher sense of agency comes with a lot of benefits. It helps people stave off anxiety and depression, advance in their career, and develop healthy relationships. It would serve both men and women to have a high sense of agency.

Dads have an outsized influence on their daughters’ sense of agency. Fathers are more likely than mothers to expose their daughters to novel and risky situations. In one study, for example, fathers were more likely than mothers to allow their three- and four-year-old daughters to play on a five-foot-high catwalk or walk across a three-foot-high beam. Dads also are more likely than mothers to encourage their daughters to stand up for themselves and think independently. 

So how can you help your daughter increase her sense of agency? Roughhouse with her for starters. That’s an agency booster. But beyond that, do stuff with your daughter. Take her on errands with you. Work on projects around the house together and teach her how to use your tools. Go on dad-and-daughter adventures where you take small risks. When you experience setbacks in your own life, model what it looks like to be a high-agency individual. All these things can help your daughter to be confident and proactive.

2. Physical Health

Dads have a big influence on their daughter’s health. In one study, it was found that the father’s, not the mother’s, total and percentage body fat was the best predictor of whether or not the couple’s daughter gained weight as she got older. Fathers also have an outsized effect on whether their daughter plays a sport in childhood. It’s dads (in general) who encourage their daughters to take up a sport, not moms. What’s more, it’s the father’s physical activity that has the most influence on a woman’s physical activity in adulthood. 

So what can you do to influence your daughter’s physical health? Again, roughhousing can help here. Encourage your daughter to get involved with sports. Take her on active activities like hiking, biking, kayaking, and so on. Help her develop a physical identity. Most importantly, model good physical health to her by moving regularly and eating right yourself. 

3. Mental Health

There’s been a lot of ink spilled lately about the rise of mental health problems among teenage girls. Dads can play a big role in mitigating mental health problems in their daughters. Strong and warm father-daughter relationships have been shown to stave off depression and anxiety in teenage girls, and this effect carries over into adulthood. The influence a dad has on his daughter’s sense of agency likely plays a significant role in this.

Body image issues are a big source of depression and anxiety among young women. Research suggests that dads dampen body image issues. Daughters with close and warm relationships with their fathers are less likely to have body image issues and more likely to report being happy with their bodies compared to girls who lack this connection with their dads.

Relatedly, teenage girls with a close relationship with their fathers are less likely to experience eating disorders. 

Simply being a caring presence in your daughter’s life can help mitigate the mental health issues facing young women today. Dads can provide a sense of stability and resilience to their children — the feeling that their home is a safe place where they are loved and protected. If you notice that your daughter is struggling emotionally, don’t just leave it to mom to tend to your daughter. Be proactive, lend a listening ear, and provide comfort and support. 

4. Academic Success

Girls who have supportive fathers in their lives tend to thrive more academically compared to girls lacking a supportive dad. Studies show that dads tend to encourage their daughters to push and challenge themselves academically more than moms do. Moreover, when dads regularly help their daughters with their homework, those daughters are less anxious about school. Mom’s help with homework has no significant impact on academic-related anxiety. 

The influence a dad has on a daughter’s academic success carries over into college. Daughters with close relationships with their fathers have higher grade point averages in college than those with poor father-daughter relationships.

Be an involved dad when it comes to your daughter’s schooling. Help her with homework. Attend parent-teacher conferences. Encourage her to push herself and praise her when she excels. 

5. Romantic Relationships

Fathers also influence their daughters’ romantic lives, including dating behaviors, sexual activity, and the quality of their relationships with men. Girls who have secure and supportive relationships with their fathers are are less likely to engage in early sexual activity and have a lower risk of teenage pregnancy. 

What’s more, daughters who have a positive relationship with their fathers are more likely to have emotionally intimate and fulfilling relationships with their boyfriends and future husbands. In fact, fathers generally have a greater impact on their daughters’ relationships with men than mothers do.

Conclusion

Fathers play a crucial role in shaping their daughters’ lives, influencing everything from their sense of agency to their romantic relationships as adults. If you’ve got a daughter, don’t discount your influence on her. Be a strong and loving presence in her life. Spend time with her and initiate meaningful conversations around life, school, and love. Remember, according to the research, you have a big role to play in raising a happy, cool, well-balanced adult.

Source for post: Father-Daughter Relationships: Contemporary Research and Issues by Linda Nielsen

This article was originally published on The Art of Manliness.

You walk down your hallway and do a double-take.

At about the height that a six-year-old stands, in the chicken-scratch scrawl that a six-year-old uses, someone has written “PoOPy HEAd” in crayon on the wall. 

Your son is six years old, as tall as an average six-year-old, and enjoys saying phrases like “poopy head.”

Hmmm . . . using your keen Sherlock Holmesian detective skills, you deduce it was your son who graffitied the hallway. 

So you confront him about it.

“Hey Jeff, did you write poopy head on the wall?”

Jeff looks you dead in the eye: “I didn’t do that.”

“Are you sure? Because it looks like your handwriting.”

“Nope.”

“Are you lying to me?”

“No.”

Jeff’s well-acted protestations aside, you know he was the perpetrator. 

Now you’re ticked at him for writing on the wall and for lying to you about it. 

So you raise holy hell about both crimes.  

You send him to his room after harshly lecturing him on the importance of telling the truth. 

While he’s in there wailing and gnashing his teeth, you wonder, “Is my kid some kind of sociopathic liar? How can I make sure he doesn’t grow up to be a crook?”

Below we highlight research-backed advice on what to do when your kids lie to you and how to encourage them to grow up to be honest and upright.

The Good News About Childhood Lying

While catching your kid lying can feel like a gut punch that makes you doubt your parenting, it’s not necessarily as bad of a thing as you might think. Here’s some good news about childhood lying:

Lying is part of children’s cognitive development. If your kids are lying to you, then celebrate! They’re developing the cognitive skills needed to become fully functioning human beings. 

Lying requires having theory of mind. Theory of mind is the ability to understand that other people have minds of their own and don’t think/know the same things that you think/know. It allows you to step into other people’s shoes.

When you lie, you understand that the person you’re lying to can’t read your thoughts and doesn’t know stuff you know. So if your kid ate a cookie when you weren’t looking, theory of mind allows her to know that you don’t know that she ate the cookie. So when you ask her if she ate it, she sees an opportunity to get away with her crime and lies to say she didn’t. 

Children start developing a theory of mind around three or four years old. Until then, infants and toddlers think that whatever they’re thinking/feeling/perceiving is what others are thinking/feeling/perceiving too. It’s why when my son Gus was eighteen months old, he would “hide” by simply covering his eyes with his hands. He thought that because he couldn’t see me, I couldn’t see him, even though he was sitting right in front of me in his high chair. While undoubtedly cute, it was a big fail in terms of theory of mind.

Childhood development specialists notice that most kids start lying around age three because that’s when their theory of mind is beginning to turn on. As they get older, it develops more and more.

While it can be a bummer to have your kids lie to you, understand that it’s a sign that their minds are developing as they should. The same theory of mind that allows them to lie about breaking the lamp will one day enable them to become compassionate and empathetic adults. 

Your kid likely isn’t a pathological liar. While it might seem like your kid lies to you a lot, especially in those middle childhood years that span ages five to eleven, you don’t need to fear that your child is a sociopath. 

Research by Victoria Talwar, a psychologist who specializes in childhood deception, shows that most kids who lie a lot in childhood still grow up to be honest adults. Honesty is something that increases as people get older. 

So if your kid is lying, don’t freak out. It’s probably not setting a pattern for life. 

How Do I Know If My Kid Is a Pathological Liar?

Pathological lying is defined as:

“a persistent, pervasive, and often compulsive pattern of excessive lying behavior that leads to clinically significant impairment of functioning in social, occupational, or other areas; causes marked distress; poses a risk to self or others; and occurs for longer than six months.”

If your kid’s frequent lying is getting them into trouble at school and in other areas of life, it might be a pathological problem. Moreover, pathological lying is often associated with other issues like anxiety and conduct and personality disorders. 

If your kid is lying a lot and it’s impairing their life, and you see other behavioral issues related to the lying, consider getting professional help.

But if your kid lies, even fairly often, but is for the most part an otherwise well-adjusted kid, you probably shouldn’t sweat it too much. Just focus on consistently disciplining them so they learn to tell the truth.

What to Do When Your Kid Lies to You

Stay calm. If you blow your gasket every time your kids do something wrong, they’ll be motivated to lie about their mistakes to avoid experiencing your wrath. So when you’re chastising your children for a misdeed, be firm yet dispassionate with your discipline. 

Don’t give them the option to lie. If you know your kid did something wrong, don’t give them the opportunity to lie by asking, “Did you do X?” It’s like entrapment. Instead of making the initial misdeed the issue, you turn it into a test to see if they’re going to lie or not. Your kid will likely feel backed into a corner and will lie to avoid the negative consequences of the initial misdeed. 

Instead of asking, “Did you do X?” say, “I see on the Screen Time app that you were using your iPad at 4 a.m. this morning. Consequently, you’ll have no screens for the rest of the week.”

In cases where you think your kid did something wrong, but you can’t prove it (e.g., you think your kid snatched a $10 bill off the counter, but it’s also possible you lost it yourself), and your child denies the crime, persistently badgering them with “Are you lying to me?!” isn’t likely to get you anywhere. Your kid will just get defensive and double down on their innocence. And you don’t want to continually accuse your child of being a liar when it’s possible they’re telling the truth. Emphasize the importance of being honest even when it’ll lead to negative consequences; but if your kid doesn’t confess, sometimes you just have to let things go.

Don’t call your kid a liar. You don’t want to label your kid a liar. You don’t want a discrete misdeed to become a general, globalized label that your child may absorb into their identity. Concentrate on the particular instance of lying at hand and treat it as a behavior, not a pervasive flaw.  

Establish a clear, consistent consequence for lying. When a child plays a video game, he knows that if he makes X misstep, he gets Y penalty; a mistake dings his life-o-meter without fuss or variability. 

Parent in a like manner: Instead of allowing the severity and consistency of your punishments for misbehavior to vary according to your particular mood and/or how effectively your child pleads for clemency, establish a clear consequence for lying in advance; then, when your kid lies, dispassionately implement the consequence. The type of consequences you establish will vary depending on your child’s unique circumstances. The key is to keep them consistent.

Treat the misdeed and the lie covering the misdeed as separate issues. The most common reason kids lie is to avoid taking responsibility for the negative consequences of their misbehavior. One of the reasons most parents feel so concerned when their children lie, is that a sense of personal responsibility is something they very much want their children to develop.

To help inculcate responsibility-taking when disciplining your children for lying, be sure to separate the consequences for their initial misdeed from the consequences for lying about the initial misdeed. In the heat of the moment, the punishments for the former and the latter often get mixed together, and the child receives one blanket punishment. Instead of bundling their crimes, be clear that they are receiving X punishment for their initial misdeed, and Y punishment for lying about that misdeed. This separation drives home the idea that every decision has consequences. And by emphasizing to your child that they are receiving a punishment for lying on top of the punishment for the initial misdeed, it discourages them from lying in the future. 

Something we always try to emphasize when we catch one of our kids lying is that there’s no reason to follow the making of one mistake with the making of another; it only makes things worse. 

Emphasize the importance of truth-telling. You don’t need to give a twenty-minute lecture about the importance of honesty, but when your kids lie to you, spend a few minutes discussing the importance of telling the truth. Talk about the centrality of honesty to good character. Talk about the centrality of honesty to strong relationships — that if they lie, you can’t trust them, and you want to be able to trust them.

Let your kids know that you expect them to be honest with you in the future. The goal of discipline isn’t just to punish bad behavior but to encourage kids to grow in character and do the right thing next time. To best nudge them in that direction, don’t just tell them that honesty is important — explain why it’s important. 

How to Raise Honest Kids

Walk the talk. Kids imitate what they see. If you want them to be honest, be honest yourself. If you’re always going on about the importance of honesty, but then your children overhear you lying to get the under-age-12 price on a ticket into an amusement park, they’re going to pick up on your hypocrisy. Your actions will always speak louder than your words. 

Talk about honesty. Devote some of your weekly family meetings to discussing the importance of telling the truth. Read stories or watch movies that grapple with honesty. Go through hypotheticals with your kids that involve the temptation to lie. The more your kids stew in the idea of integrity, the more likely they are to develop it.

Acknowledge and recognize honest behavior in your kids. You get more of what you reward. So if you want your kids to be more honest, recognize and praise their honest behavior. Researchers point out that positive feedback is more effective than negative feedback in inculcating good habits. So as much as possible, aim to “catch” your kids being truthful. When they fess up to a mistake of their own accord, tell them that you really appreciate their honesty. And remind them that, while you still have to enact a consequence for their misdeed, their punishment would have been worse if they’d lied about it.

This article was originally published on The Art of Manliness.